Come for the Mods, Stay for the Community!
 
HomeCalendarInterviewsFAQMemberlistUsergroupsRegisterLog in
Info Panel
Stay Connected

_
August 2018
MonTueWedThuFriSatSun
  12345
6789101112
13141516171819
20212223242526
2728293031  
CalendarCalendar

Share | 
 

 Work In Progress (Teaser) by Matticus4205

View previous topic View next topic Go down 
AuthorMessage
matticus4205

avatar

Posts : 427
Join date : 2014-11-12
Age : 23
Location : Texas

Character sheet
Name: Character
Faction:
Level:

PostSubject: Work In Progress (Teaser) by Matticus4205   Thu Dec 18, 2014 6:52 am

Hey guys Matt here, what I am posting is an exert from a story I'm currently writing. Follow Specialist Jamie Hildern as he experiences life in a combat zone for the first time. This is his first deployment to Afghanistan with his buddies in the 506th Infantry Regiment, 4th Brigade Combat Team, 101st Airborne also  know as Task Force Currahee. All events will be seen through his eyes as he experiences it, this is purely a work of fiction but is told with real units who were actually stationed in Khost province during 2008. So please enjoy and leave a comment or opinion after reading this short portion, thank you.


 Khost Province, Afghanistan, April 10 2008. It was my brothers birthday yesterday, shit I forgot to give him a call. I felt a knock on my helmet from above me, I looked up at our gunner in the Humvee Corporal Toya. "Wake up Hildy, we're in Haji territory now." I shook my head. "Cut it with the Hildy shit dude, I ha..." Suddenly there was this loud explosion in front of us. "Oh shit!" Our driver shouted. "IED IED!" Suddenly Staff Sarn't Byrne came over the platoon net. "Everyone dismount! Get the fuck out of the vehicles!" As we dismounted we started hearing AK fire and rounds hitting the vehicles "Contact right! Bearing one six zero!" Toya rotated the turret and started laying rounds down range. "I see'em! They're sky lining on that ridge, one five six!" The other two gunners shifted their fire to the ridge line as our squads moved to this gully on the right side of the road for cover. "Hildern!" I looked to my left to Sarn't Jennings. "Get some CAS on those asshole!" I nodded and clicked my handset for the PRC-117. "Any air asset this station this is Outlaw 2-2 in contact how copy over?" I aimed my M4 towards the ridge, as I looked through the ACOG there was a reply on the net. "Outlaw 2-2 this is Gladiator 1-1, send traffic over." I took cover and clicked on my handset. "Gladiator 1-1, troops in contact at grid four two sierra break. Taking fire from grid whiskey bravo, coordinates 89273-81659, how copy over." An RPG flew over the gully and impacted against a hut that was behind Toya's Humvee. "Lima Charlie 2-2, Gladiators in bound from the North West ETA six mikes." I aimed down my ACOG and fired off a few rounds towards the ridge. Suddenly there was a cry of pain. "Ahhh fuck! I'm hit! I'm hit!" It was Specialist Donner. "Doc get your ass down here now! Double time it god damn it!" Sarn't Jennings began giving Donner first aid as Private Gillin shifted over and manned Donner's SAW. Where the fuck were those Apaches?

Now this isn't a cement version of the battle there will be some editing, I hope you enjoyed it at least for there's more to come in the following months Smile

_________________

Development Team: Story Writer/ Director / PR Representative


Last edited by matticus4205 on Thu Dec 18, 2014 11:03 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top Go down
View user profile
DVAted

avatar

Posts : 5822
Join date : 2014-02-23
Age : 29
Location : in the forests of the night

Character sheet
Name: DeViAted
Faction: GUNners
Level: 55

PostSubject: Re: Work In Progress (Teaser) by Matticus4205   Thu Dec 18, 2014 2:38 pm

Gotta say this was quite visual.
The vocabulary is appropriate, at least from what I could tell from movies and Video-Games

However I felt that "Sarn't" was a misappropriated term.
Short for Sargent is either Sg. or Sgt.,
and the G is read/spelled out every time.

Also, when you mentioned CAS I had no idea it meant Air Support, and whether the C stands for Cover or Control or whatever, I still don't know. If it is Cover, then again, weird terminology there. Nobody says "Cover Air Support", unless you're the one giving fire-cover to the air units. So maybe ASC? Air-Support Cover? That would make more sense.

Another term is PRC-117
I know a lot of rifles and rifle attachments,
but I'm not familiar with the PRC
Lima Charlie stands for LC, which stands for a ton of things:
http://www.acronymfinder.com/Military-and-Government/LC.html
Now, I wish I knew what it was.

Also, I'm not sure how grids are exactly arranged, but
42S sounds like a long way from WB,
whether you take it alphabetically, numerically, or any arrangement of both.
http://www.armystudyguide.com/content/army_board_study_guide_topics/land_navigation_map_reading/grid-coordinates.shtml

A lot of your details sound cool, but may not make sense,
and others are just inside references that an outside might not relate to.

Now you said there will be some editing.
If you're writing for yourself, these aren't issues at all. If you're writing for actual soldiers or veterans or just plain fans of army terminology, they'll probably understand most of it, like myself. But if you're writing for anyone who is willing to read, be a bit more specific. Nothing too extensive. Just spell out CAS, and add "machine gun" to SAW, or "helicopter" to "Apaches"
A lot of people here aren't even accustomed to those terms.

From a literary perspective, I'm not sure how far ahead of the story you are
"Doc get your ass down here now! Double time it god damn it!"
is all colorful and authentic language, but it feels like tough-guy grunts.
What makes our protagonist more than just a big guy with a big gun?
What makes him special? Why follow HIS story and not anyone else's?
Simple heroism or a distinct state of mind? An uncommon personality?
Sherlock Holmes captivates audiences to this day, not only for being smart, but also a narcissist, emotionally inept and a drug addict. Harry Potter was followed because up until he starts school, he had no idea wizards even existed, and he had to adapt to this new world as we do, with fresh, unknowing eyes, in a full journey of discovery. Same as John Blackthorne in Shogun, an english soldier in feudal Japan, an outsider, albeit exceptional by power of will, adapting and survival skills, still a gaijin, thrown into a new world, scraping his way to legendary status. Old Shatterhand, in the old western Winnetou books, as well as Winnetou himself, are remarkable for being noble, kind and righteous, in a savage land full of outlaws, murderers and war-mongers. They still kill when necessary, but their overall behavior and mentality are outstanding, exceptional among the rest, and they never stay in the same place for long.
Of course, not all stories have to have an exceptional character, and maybe yours isn't character-based, but more story-driven and action-derived. I'd still like to know Hindler isn't just a grunt among grunts, doing what grunts do in grunty times closed eyes smile I mean, you say he's in his first deployment, but he acts and talks like a Lieutenant. If you're going with "the new guy" motif, make him do and say noobish things.

It's just as a suggestion, though. I really haven't read nearly enough to evoke a valid point about all of your work on this.

I like the pacing, the action was quite explosive, and that's hard to pull off in writing without overusing and, implicitly, messing up the verbs (with conjugation and such). You have proper visuals and overall terminology, it felt engaging.

Keep up the good work.
Only more writing can lead to better writing.

Best regards
Back to top Go down
View user profile
matticus4205

avatar

Posts : 427
Join date : 2014-11-12
Age : 23
Location : Texas

Character sheet
Name: Character
Faction:
Level:

PostSubject: Re: Work In Progress (Teaser) by Matticus4205   Thu Dec 18, 2014 4:41 pm

Thanks for the insight D, I'll be sure to clear things up when the full version. Oh and for your sanity 42S is the overall grid for their sector of Khost Province, WB is the tiny sector within the big sector which is the grid reference for this road and ridge area. The website I used to get the grid uses the military grid system so I'm going by what that map reads but thanks for the suggestions I'll be sure to be a little more clear in the finally version Smile

_________________

Development Team: Story Writer/ Director / PR Representative
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Storyteller

avatar

Posts : 71
Join date : 2014-12-17
Location : South Jersey, USA

Character sheet
Name: Character
Faction:
Level:

PostSubject: Re: Work In Progress (Teaser) by Matticus4205   Thu Dec 18, 2014 4:44 pm

Enjoyed certain aspects from this story, and have some insight I feel I can give as an Army Veteran with two tours in Afghanistan, my first was 12 months in Khost. I enjoyed the ways the characters spoke, in reply to DVAted's critique on the use of S'arnt, that is actually how the majority of enlisted and officer pronounce the rank. Proper abbreviation is indeed, Sgt. But since you are narrating through the voice of your character, its perfectly appropriate.

To clarify for other readers, a PRC-117 is a radio. Lima Charlie always means, "Loud and clear" and is conducted in response to someone conducting a radio check, or asking "How copy?" as in "How well are you receiving this transmission?". CAS is Close Air Support, usually two Apaches given to an element as an asset for a few hours, but always giving priority to any troops in contact.

Everything done on the radio is done for brevity in specific format. That being said, I felt you did a good job with the lingo and feeling of being a junior enlisted soldier, especially him being asleep. Its very against the rules, but nobody can stay in the back of a vehicle for 12 or more hours and not fall asleep, especially when there is nothing to look at.

Now onto things that are inconsistent with the way the military actually works.

-Humvees began getting phased out in '07, to be superseded by larger up armored vehicles called MRAPs. We used Humvees mostly for transporting on our FOB (Forward Operating Base, the base in a combat zone) but they weren't used on mission any longer because of their total lack of protection against IEDs.

-The PSG would never order his soldiers to dismount their vehicles after encountering an IED, especially in a complex ambush (small armed fire coupled with an explosion) unless a vehicle was disabled. In which case the convoy would push through the killzone, establish a base of fire and either eliminate the threat (through calling of CAS, or doing it themselves). The only time this changes is if there is a fire in the disabled vehicle, where the other vehicles may try to cover them, and send a small group for recovery.

-Also a small detail because its not impossible, but it seemed like the Specialist and main character was the TC (troop commander) for his vehicle, answering the radio and giving fire commands. It is very rare for anyone less than a Sgt to run a vehicle like that, I've seen it done however but never by a slick sleeve (someone who had not deployed before). Still, maybe he was just a great soldier and the chain of command trusted him to meet his obligations and do a good job. It definitely sounds like it with the way he talks to his doc, exercises initiative and calls for CAS. My last platoon sergeant did something similar as PFC and earned a bronze star with valor for it.

So you painted an interesting situation, one where this kid who just joined the army and deployed could very well be put in for an award he may not have seen coming. This is how war heroes are made and reputations in battalions develop. That is certainly a pro if that is the direction of the story, as for a con I would have to be in complete agreement with our fellow admin above and say that next time you should explain certain things or provide more clarity for those not in the know concerning military terminology.

I'm eagerly anticipating your next work, and if you have questions concerning authenticity and realism feel free to send me a message. I don't mind providing my insight.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
matticus4205

avatar

Posts : 427
Join date : 2014-11-12
Age : 23
Location : Texas

Character sheet
Name: Character
Faction:
Level:

PostSubject: Re: Work In Progress (Teaser) by Matticus4205   Thu Dec 18, 2014 4:53 pm

Thanks for your input Story, I really appreciate it. If I have any questions that I need answered I'll be sure to ask you and thank you for offering yourself as a reference I really appreciate that and hope to work with you on this project I am undertaking. Smile

_________________

Development Team: Story Writer/ Director / PR Representative
Back to top Go down
View user profile
DVAted

avatar

Posts : 5822
Join date : 2014-02-23
Age : 29
Location : in the forests of the night

Character sheet
Name: DeViAted
Faction: GUNners
Level: 55

PostSubject: Re: Work In Progress (Teaser) by Matticus4205   Thu Dec 18, 2014 5:32 pm

ah Close Air Support... makes sense Very Happy
But really? Sarnt for Sergeant? No G ? Not even as a J ?
[S'-aar'djun] at the very least, even if you don't finish the T off at the end,
but the G should be read with any accent - cockney, southern, northern, eastern...

In all the English media I've seen, the G was always there in pronunciation.
In French it's "Sergent" with a wide "Saar" and the second syllable read as the french male name "Jean"
In my own language it's also "Sergent" - where it starts as "Sehr" and the second syllable is a clear "Gent" as you would pronounce "Gentleman"

Sarnt? Really? I can't even imagine it coming out of someone's mouth
And I've watched all MASH seasons twice! And a lot of cop shows too closed eyes smile
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Storyteller

avatar

Posts : 71
Join date : 2014-12-17
Location : South Jersey, USA

Character sheet
Name: Character
Faction:
Level:

PostSubject: Re: Work In Progress (Teaser) by Matticus4205   Thu Dec 18, 2014 6:07 pm

Haha, in all honesty I think it comes from a universal Army accent. People tend to develop the same way of talking in the military and Sergeant is the proper way to pronounce it, but "S'arnt" is the way it leaves most enlisted's mouths. Often because pronouncing every syllable can grow tiresome when you address everyone by their rank, "Sergeant, here are your papers. Yes Sergeant, no Sergeant."

Much like certain military phrases, "Make it happen, too easy, high speed low drag, etc." are almost exclusively used in those environments, S'arnt is simply the way most people say it. During ceremonies, obviously Sergeant is whats used, but in common every talk, S'arnt has simply become the norm. Nobody will correct someone for saying Sergeant, they may get teased if they emphasize the syllables in a unique manner but yes. Welcome to the weirdness that is today's military culture Joy Dance

Edit: Also keep in mind this comes from a limited view from only the Army. Marines from what I understand pronounce full rank and position, so a Sergeant First Class in the Army would simply be called "Sergeant" while a Sergeant First Class in the Marine corps would be called "Sergeant First Class". I imagine with that emphasis they may pronounce each syllable but I can't be sure.

Soldiers on the other hand, use S'arnt often out of unconscious habit. My father, a retired police officer had noticed it during conversation with me and it left him bewildered.


Last edited by Storyteller on Thu Dec 18, 2014 6:13 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top Go down
View user profile
DVAted

avatar

Posts : 5822
Join date : 2014-02-23
Age : 29
Location : in the forests of the night

Character sheet
Name: DeViAted
Faction: GUNners
Level: 55

PostSubject: Re: Work In Progress (Teaser) by Matticus4205   Thu Dec 18, 2014 6:13 pm

Are you sure it's not "Sir" that they're saying?
I see what you did t
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Storyteller

avatar

Posts : 71
Join date : 2014-12-17
Location : South Jersey, USA

Character sheet
Name: Character
Faction:
Level:

PostSubject: Re: Work In Progress (Teaser) by Matticus4205   Thu Dec 18, 2014 6:14 pm

Edited my post for more clarification, and as a Sergeant, I can most definitely assure you it was not Sir.

Don't call us Sir, we work for a living Beer
Back to top Go down
View user profile
booders

avatar

Posts : 170
Join date : 2014-08-22
Age : 26
Location : New York

PostSubject: Re: Work In Progress (Teaser) by Matticus4205   Thu Dec 18, 2014 9:48 pm

I agree with DVAted about the "Sarn't" part,it kind of confused me.Besides that it's pretty good I hope you end up finishing your story one day.Very Happy

_________________
Back to top Go down
View user profile
SuperDemonBoy15

avatar

Posts : 389
Join date : 2014-07-25
Age : 19
Location : Lansing, MI

Character sheet
Name: Crowder
Faction: FOJ
Level: 7812

PostSubject: Re: Work In Progress (Teaser) by Matticus4205   Thu Dec 18, 2014 10:57 pm

Badass story bro! cant wait to see it finished, you should team up with activation to help write stories for Call Of Duty! It's a definite must read if i make any sense closed eyes smile

_________________




Try out my other Realism overhaul for New Vegas!

FNV-PROJECT REALISM
Back to top Go down
View user profile
matticus4205

avatar

Posts : 427
Join date : 2014-11-12
Age : 23
Location : Texas

Character sheet
Name: Character
Faction:
Level:

PostSubject: Re: Work In Progress (Teaser) by Matticus4205   Thu Dec 18, 2014 10:59 pm

Haha, to behonest I can't see me doing that, maybe for someone like Bethesda or DICE even, maybe even for the company who might step up and make the next Medal Of Honor.

_________________

Development Team: Story Writer/ Director / PR Representative
Back to top Go down
View user profile
blik9

avatar

Posts : 64
Join date : 2014-07-01

PostSubject: Re: Work In Progress (Teaser) by Matticus4205   Fri Dec 19, 2014 6:10 am

Dang, this really hit deep. Contains a lot of amazing imagery. Very good diction and syntax, although a few spelling errors; but like you said WIP. Over all very good story enjoyed it very much. I cant wait to see a final version Rambo Shooting
Back to top Go down
View user profile
snorkelspy

avatar

Posts : 40
Join date : 2014-10-30
Age : 24
Location : The Golden State

PostSubject: Re: Work In Progress (Teaser) by Matticus4205   Fri Dec 19, 2014 7:32 am

Ok, like it a lot. Really hope you continue with the complex and accurate terminology and accents (just make sure that it is indeed accurate, Storyteller is obviously an excellent sounding board, if he's willing). On surface, it looks reads like a land lubber's Patrick O'Brian, an extremely talented and awarded writer who was best known for his Aubrey-Maturin series which followed the rise of Jack Aubrey through the Royal Navy during the Napoleonic Wars. This series stood out because it tossed the reader, with no introduction, into the confusing world of sailing ships. Of course there was a glossary and ship diagram provided in all his books, but there was no explanation in the narration.

But, unless of course the story is only for personal fun or even this community, you will look silly if you make technical errors. But you are vastly more knowledgeable than me closed eyes smile
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Sponsored content




PostSubject: Re: Work In Progress (Teaser) by Matticus4205   

Back to top Go down
 

Work In Progress (Teaser) by Matticus4205

View previous topic View next topic Back to top 
Page 1 of 1

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
Gaming Underground Network :: Workshops :: Literature-